Picking this back up seems foreign and unfamiliar. Something that had given me such joy has fallen to the wayside, to be abandoned for years. The more I think about it I realize that I am not the person I was, nor am I the person I wanted to be so many years ago. I feel broken, unknown to even myself, and I don't know how I can change my outlook. I look at the path I imagined I was supposed to be on at this point and I am nowhere close. I have to reach into the deepest recesses of my soul to find what I want, and yet the fog that clouds my mind and heart stops me from realizing what I truly need. I look at myself, and I see darkness; something that resides in my soul that I cannot help. I realize that darkness is something that is a part of me, it always has. I've always believed that I will forever be the black sheep; I sabotage myself in my fears and what I want. I realize I cannot have everything I want, but in order to move forward from this slump of my life, I have to jump into the dark waters I've always been afraid of. My outlook, the way that I am seen will always weigh heavily upon my shoulders. My opinion, my expectations of myself were always set too high; I realize now that despite all that I was in my younger years it has no impact of who I am now. I dwell on my past achievements and it means nothing. I was an honor roll student, an athlete, a stoner, a nerd, a social outcast, the disappointment; but the only thing I see is a waste. All the things I was, have disappeared... I'm merely a shell of what I was; a fragment.
If asked what I wanted at this exact moment, I couldn't answer. I think that revealing my inner fears, might shed some light as to what I need to work on as a person. A few people know of these fears, but here...I'm just a faceless voice; able to speak my mind, free from judgment and ridicule, able to write down truly what scares me and how this messed up and crazy mind of mine works. So I will plunge head first into my deepest fears in hopes that one day I can work past them on my own: being alone, being unloved, that no one will miss me when I am gone, that my life means nothing and that all the pain and hurt I've felt is for nothing, I fear getting hurt by the people who are closest to me, I fear letting people get too close (the more they know the more they can use to hurt me), I fear being in a dead-end job doing something I hate and I fear disappointing those closest to me. I was told on the topic of strength, "You can be strong if you choose to be strong." At a point I was strong, a fire burned within my soul, it glowed with passion, strength, knowledge and fearlessness; but now its been extinguished, muted, silenced, and forgotten. One day I'll get that fire back, I'll gain the passion I once had, and perhaps one day will find the peace my heart so desperately deserves.
